LOUISE

war will end us.

here are some pictures from last week



And and I


Tomo and I


Vera, Tash, Me and Hailey having a sleepover


Margies always leaves a trace

'cause when i leave for the night i ain't coming back

I'm freaking out right now.

so  fu**ing  wierd

So there was a reaction my post from yesterday, so I just wanted to say that I'm okay =)

The headline is from the song Let it fall by Lykke Li, it's really good. I was a bit on the down as I am leaving soon, but I ended up going out with Chisato, Tomo and Hailey.

I don't remember much. What I do know is that I had half a bottle of Jim Beam, got a free burger at McDonald's and later on a free lollipop at the convinience store around the corner at Symonds St. As if that was the first time, lol.

So after trying to figure out what happend last night, I'm making soup and waiting for Alex to come to town.

Tonight's the international student leaving party, so we're on it.

Lalalala soup now! Ciao

I've been hiding in my room all day.. Again.

No energy nor will to get dressed and go out. I've been watching Grey's Anatomy and if I could choose I'd stay here a couple of more days just watching Grey's and wasting time. Hiding.

But there's no escape from reality, I suppose.

Might as well go ut there.

Hence why I'm going to Kings tonight. 

 

So yesterday was fun.

It would have been even better if I actually remembered more than I do. For an example, I texted "the doors are attacking me" to Chris, and ended up going to their apartment early this morning. Talking about contrast when I'm hammered meanwhile Andy is up early studying for his exam.

Oh well. It was fun and very much alike most nights out last semester. The night included drunken heart-to-hearts, emotions, confessions, dancing, confrontations, and less water than I needed. We ended up eating breakfast at McDonald's. I got free marshmallows. And then aparently I wandered the halls of WSA, visiting at least two apartments before I reached my own. Makes me wonder...., where else did I go?   

Now it's past 7 in the evening, and sice it's Andy's last night out I'm joining. That's really the only reason, I just don't feel like shouting, loud music and alcohol right now. But I know I'll regret it forever if I don't go out with him one last time, so....

And by the way.... Hangover sushi is not good at all. Should've got myself pizza or something.

Off to 9G now to party. Adios amigos.

Yo.

It's past 2 pm. I haven't slept for 21 hours. I've been awake all night, that is.

And now I'm off to watch The Hangover Part II with Tomo, and then we'll start drinking

Ciao!

You know what? I haven't slept since 5 pm yesterday, and now it's 10.30 am.

I have already done laundry and sorted out 1 years paperwork, and I don't want to sleep. I've been watching a few episodes of Grey's Anatomy, but I'm just not tired. So I'll have a shower and make coffee. I just can't sleep my life away.

Damn sleeplessness.  

- Snart flyttar jag
- Japp
- .. till Sverige
- Mhm
- Jag får träffa alla jag saknar så mycket
- ..
- Men jag lämnar så många bakom mig samtidigt
- Sånt är det
- Det är sorgligt, men det är så samtidigt så KUL
- Jaha?
- Är det inte det?
- Är det?
- Jo..? Visst fan ska det bli kul
- Säker på det?
- Jo... Klart jag är säker
- Det är inte jag

Jag kan inte riktigt komma fram till vad jag vill.

---

Gretchie, here's a translation just for you. An inner monologue had to be in Swedish, after all.

- I'm moving soon
- Yeah
- .. to Sweden
- Mhm
- I'll get to see the people I miss so much
- ..
- But I'm also leaving so many people behind
- That's life
- It's sad, but great at the same time
- Oh yeah?
- Isn't it?
- Is it?
- Yeah..? Surely it'll be great
- Sure of that?
- Yeah.. Of course I'm sure
- I'm not

I can't be the only one experiencing this? Am I?

It feels so wierd being done.

I'm still stressed out, due to all the hard work this whole semester. I have been working so hard, but I still feel like I should have pushed myself harder. Why didn't I do that? You don't work as hard as you possibly can until you get the best grade in all courses. So here I am, without the best grades in everything. I feel disappointed and angry.

I am waiting for the grades of my essay in Conflict Resolution to be released. It was 30% of the grade and I felt quite confident writing it.

We've done:

- Presentation 20% A+
- Mediation role play 10% A+
- Exam 40%
- Essay 30%

I just wish they could release the gades that actually MATTERS for the final grade, isthat really too much to ask for??? I'm freaking out here and want my grades, it's killing me not to know!

I've got a couple A+'s here, but only on the smaller assignments. Being done with uni makes me so restless, and everytime I see my Psychology book I just want to open it, which makes me feel miserable because Psychology has taken over my life the last couple of weeks.

I just can't wait to start uni again in Sweden. I want to go further and do better. I know I can, I'm just not exactley sure of how. I need to find my own way to do it. I'm on my way, but no there quite yet.

When I need inspiration I take it from people I look up to. The last few weeks I've been watching Grey's Anatomy, as I admire the character Cristina Yang. After one or two episodes I'm up running again. One of my philosophies in life is that anyone can achieve anything. They just have to push themselves and find a way that suits them.
Deep inside I know I can, I know I'm smart, and I know I will do good in life. Somedays, however, I feel like giving up, like I'm not good enough, not smart enough. Not even Grey's can heal that feeling.

Oh well. I'm done here and there's nothing I can do now anyways.

I'm still fucking longing to start uni again.

Reading last night's post made me realise even more how terrible my English becomes after drinking. I had a few glasses of wine before I blogged, and I must apologize for my slobby grammar. It really was terrible!

Today has been such a lazy day. I'm exhausted for no reason at all. I slept till 5 pm, ordered pizza and watched Grey's Anatomy and had a glass of red wine. It's now 12.30 am and I'm so damn tired so I'm in bed again. I'll watch movies and do nothing until I fall asleep, and tomorrow I'll deal with stuff that needs to be done. I'll start with doing my laundry, which I now have time to get done. Yay! 

Time flies by.

So I am an analyser, as probably most of you who already knows. I suppose reading my blog is evidence enough to know that, so I will just assume that you know.

Well, having that said I started thinking about what it actually means to be that. Firstly, it does mean that things in my life doesn't just happen by accident, nor do I commonly do thins without having a clue without the ramifications of it. Mortal as I am, obviously I do things that later on does have consequenses I did not expect, but in most cases I do have a backup plan or knowledge ough in how to handle situations depending on whatever the outcome may be.

Yet again, having this said I wonder if it's really necessary to analyse exactley everyting. I am a fir believer in that whatever needs to be sorted out, it should be done in a proper way which includes talking over the reasons for a certain situation, and then moving on to find the best possible solution.

Sometimes I do find myself feeling way too old for my age acting like this, as I actually am still a teenager and should just take life as it comes, one day at a time. Or should I really?

Life is so complicated, and it feels like taking the long way being to intense about everything and trying to figure out every single thing and person in my life, and why things happens. No, I do not believe that things happens for a reason. I believe that things happens for a cause, and if that cause in some way disturbs me, I would rather have it sorted out right there and then, rather than just leaving it as itis hoping for it to go away.

As I said, I may take life (from that point of view) way too seriously, but on the other hand, is it really possible to do that? Life is the biggest thing that we will ever experience, and if something would ever disturb us in any way, isn't it just better to get rid off it and sort it out?

Being straight up is, as I experience it, something that is quite uncommon, in all honesty. By that I don't mean to say that I'm ahead of all of you which I don't think I am, but I do tend to be very honest about how I feel about certain things which scares and intimidates people more than I will ever be able to understand. Being honest. How could that ever be bad? Sure, honesty does hurt sometimes, but in the end it saves so much time knowing what's going on instead of wasting time trying to figure it out.

Which leads us back to analysing, which in that point of view is wasting time on precisely that: trying to figure things out. So is this just a bad circle that I am in, or am I just a bit mentally older in that manner than most people of my age?

Well don't expect me to give any answers because I don't have a clue. I am constantly trying to develop myself and grow up and learn more about life, but everynow and again I get shot down, by myself or others, only to realise that I'm actually not really making that much progress. That it's all in my head. Trying to figure yourself out is impossible, just as impossible as it is for someone else to do it for you.

Of course, when other people try to figure you out your defense will be "you don't know me enough to say that", but will someone ever know enough of you to give them approval to throw in their opinion? Will you ever accept that people actually see you for who you are, just from a different aspect than yourself do? It is hard to accept, as it would be uncomfortable being confronted about your behaviour from someone else when you yourself haven't even considered it, or wanted to consider it.

I know me, but I don't know me the way that other people do. I easily get shut into my own bubble, believing that everything I say or do is right and the best possible way to deal with things, and accepting that it's not is hard. So I do accept the fact that I'm an analyser. I'm not going ti apologise for it, nor try to change myself and my instinctive behaviour, but I do need to consider whether there i a better way of dealing with life. Regardless of how complicated life may be, everyone needs to just let it go every now and then and just live life wiout always trying to have a concrete plan of how the next ten years will be like, how people should behave and what life right now will lead to.

Coming to New Zealand was not that much though through at all, and yet here I am and I'm happy! I know I made the best decision of my life coming here, so maybe I should try and loosen up and just go with the flow and accept things for what they are, and not for how they should have, or could have been.

I am challenging myself to just take life as it is until Friday, which is a massive challenge for me who always try to figure out everything about.. well, everything! So that is about three days. Three days I will take it as it comes without making a big deal about everything, and I will try to keep my notebook with me at all times so that I can write down whatever goes on in my head so that I perhaps can find a motive for my beaviour.

Why do I need to be in control of everything (well not literally everything, as that would be most impossible)?

3 days, starting from now. Challenge accepted!

16 hours until the exam in Psychology starts.

In 19 hours I will have completed a Certificate in Conflict Resolution at Auckland University of Technology.

Beautiful girls!

Sleepless.

I'm too awake to sleep, but I'm too tired to study.

I studied for 10 hours straight yesterday, so HOW THE HELL CAN I BE UNABLE TO SLEEP 6 IN THE MORNING?

But you know what?

I'm no good watching Grey's Anatomy all morning. I might as well go to Starbucks and get myself some coffee, and get started again. My exam is not going to ace itself.

Talking to Dominik over Skype and it breaks my heart how much I miss him and everyone else. I'm truly hoping to see at least him and Esme soon, as we do live relatively close to each other.

Looking through pics. I miss you

 

18/20 on my last psych test.

I do wish I would've done better, but you know what? 18/20 is good as well!

Today is a perfect day for studying:

- cloudy
- windy
- rainy

It's past 1pm, so I'm going to have a shower, eat something then start studying.

Sweet as!

I can't sleep, and it might be due to way much thinking.

I'm just going through a lot of emotions right now that doesn't make life much easier. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, and making up my mind about everything is impossible. One minute I'm going over my flight reservations and planning my homecoming, and the next I just want to hide under my bed in order to avoid facing the fact that I have to leave.

It doesn't make it easier that Chris keeps making jokes about that I will cry when we say good bye. I always tell him I won't, even though I know that I most likely will. I'm not good with saying good byes, and there's no denial that I prefer sneeking off, not making that much of a deal out of it.

But I can't leave without making a deal out of it. I almost panic every time I randomly get reminded of anything that has to do with leaving. I start questioning life. I start questioning myself. I do not doubt myself, but I'm scared as hell. I know I've changed a lot here, and the people I know will have changed as well. Will we still get along? Will we still be good friends?

Thinking about leaving makes me nearly depressed, anxious, and really terrified. Of course I'm looking forward to see everyone, but let's be honest; it doesn't mean that I want to move back. As I was taking a long walk the other day, I got so emotional as I was enjoying the Domain. It struck me that soon I won't be able to go there again, and I just had a big breakdown right there.

I can't remember crying about leaving Sweden. I might have done so, but I have no recollection of doing it. I do remember being a bit sad at Changi airport in Singapore, as I was reading a letter from my Mom and at the same time realizing what I had thrown myself into. So why does it have to be such a big deal this time? Why all this anxiety and restlessness?

The last weeks, time has slowed down. A week doesn't feel like a day anymore. I'm starting to think of things I've never done here. I have turned down every single date I've been asked out on, because I've been terrified of commitment considering my limited period of time. I have never been to Waiheke Island. I have never had picnic on Mount Eden at sunset. I have never been to One Tree Hill, nor the Auckland museum. I haven't even been to a winetasting. And now I'm running out of time. In one way, I feel like I've been given a horrible diagnosis, knowing the exact date and all I can do is to wait. That makes me feel like crap, because as I said before I really am looking forward to go back but I don't want to move...

I don't know. I barely even know what I want. I've started having nightmares that has to do with travelling, flying, moving. Maybe I just need a wee more time to process it all? How the hell am I going to accept the fact that I'm leaving a country that I am so much in love with? 

So I finished my exam preparation summary today and made a studyguide out of it. I ended up being more than 50 pages of summary covering the whole course, plus about 80-90 pages of articles that may be part of the exam. Today I've been reading and making notes in the studyguide regarding things that are crucial for the exam, and parts where I need to add information. It's been a long day, and in order to keep myself from being distracted I turned off the sound on my phone and tried to zone into myself.

When I study I just kind of disappear into my own world. I talk to myself and I make wierd gestures that most people take for insanity. The gesture thing is a big part of my learning, that I learned from a good kiwi friend of mine.

I structure the information (on paper) in a way that suits me, whether it is in a special order, arrows, colours, you name it, and then I look up from the paper and make a mental image of the information. After repeatig it a few time, I can picture the information the exact same way as it is on the paper right in front of me. I guess that's what most people do when they learn geography, for an example.

It really is helpful. Obviously, one needs to understand the meaning of the information to succesfully learn it and be abe to recollect it later on when needed, but even if you do it doesn't mean that you will be able to keep track on which order it comes on, or even remember it at all.

What I do is that I start off by creating a mental image with bulletpoints. Once I have a good clue of that, I start adding more and more information, but it is important to break t up in pieces.

Ex. the peripheral nervous system.

 - The peripheral nervous system (PNS) consists of the somatic and autonomic nervous system (SNS & ANS, abbrevations are also good ways regarding learning and processing information into your long term memory). The somatic nervous system is divided into afferent and efferent, and the autonomic is divided into sympathetic and parasympathetic.

That's step one, the basic information to know how it is "built up".

Next step is to add the different functions of afferent, efferent, sympathetic, and parasympathetic and understand the connection.

Remember: when you already know the basic structure, it becomes much more easier to relate the different facts to ehere they belong.

Well, that's the tip of the day. Don't have any more energy for this. I'm off to bed to watch I am number 4, and tomorrow I'm going running with Eirik 8 am, then I'm waking up Chris at 10. I think I might made him breakfast before I do so, as I love eating proper breakfasts (which I haven't done in ages) just as much as I love making breakfast for other people. I actually do!

So off to bed now. Good night, world!

How great is this song? Soooooo good!

I don't want to leave. Not now.