LOUISE

I'm home from work, sun is up and time is past 4am. I'm not going to bed quite yet, even though I'm tired. I skyped Tash, and since I'm not very sleepy I'll be productive instead of staring up the ceiling. Either way, things are closing up and my schedule is pretty tight.. These are just a few things:

At the library, as usual.. Not the best day of my life, one of y best friends Dad died last night. I still have to try to concentrate, but I can't help but thinking of him and his family.

Lately I've been increasingly aware of how terrible I'm at enthusiasm. By that I don't mean showing enthusiasm, but exercising it. Perhaps the most obvious case is travelling. A few years ago it was an adventure going outside of the region I lived in, Skåne. Nowadays travelling doesn't give me the same scary but undeniably jittery feeling. Well, don't get me wrong. It's still scary and jittery, but not in the proportions as before.

I'm going to the US this summer for three weeks. Sure, it'll be fun and everything but do I think of it every day? Do I plan what to do in every little possible detail? Do I dream away to places I want to vist? No, I don't. I have a busy life that needs maintenance and focus. And I think it's rather sad.

Travelling is a drug. For every trip I do, I'm in greater need of a new injection, a new high, new experiences. At the same time, I need stronger doses each time. I need bigger, better, faster. So how am I now supposed to fill my need of strange, exceptional and different when I spend one year recently as far away from Sweden possible? When I went to Holland I had a great experience with my friends, and I'd go there again any day, but it didn't give me a high as strong as I got in NZ or Samoa. Not very strange at all, as their cultures, nature and people are not the same as here. It's different there.

Oh well. I'm not complaining. I'm still very excited for this summer's trip and I can't wait to put my books on the shelf and get on that plane for three weeks of adventure, exploring and most of all MEETING MY FRIENDS! How lucky am I on a scale of 1 to 10? Obviously 10 when it comes to travelling. Hard work, a strict budget and perhaps most of all a generous family made it all happen.

As for now I'm starting to put up new travel goals, carefully though. One of them is Papua New Guinea. I'd like to go there to hike from villiage to villiage to see how the people live and perhaps most of all, meet the pretty recently cannibalistic villiagers and hear their stories of how their lives changed after the British settlers of Australia went in to stop the cannibalism and convert them to Christianity. Exciting, huh? I can't wait till the day I can fulfil this.

There are no boundaries but oneself. You are the one to set your own restrictions!

"Se till att ni inte går för lättklädda. Se upp för att gå själva på kvällen. Se till att ni inte blir våldtagna."

Vad är det för jävla budskap? När ska det motsatta komma ut istället? När ska den invanda tanken vara att män inte ska våldta, istället för att kvinnor inte ska bli våldtagna?

En av världens många oattraktiva brister.

It really bothers me how commercials from entirely different companies in the end have the exact same commercials. Regardless if it's for perfume, clothing, cars och beverages, the women are always skinny, tall and beautiful and the men smart, muscular and "manly". How come people actually buy this? How come we believe in commercials when they all look the same, and the only thing really seperating them from intertwining is the brand itself?

For an example, Buddy Holly's song Everyday is forever ruined for me, as I everytime I hear it think of the food brand "Felix". How pathetic. Even worse is that there isn't a way to escape it. We are lost in the world of commercials, and we'll never find our way back. When I'm old there probably won't be many things left "untouched" by commercials, for me to have my own perspective on it.

Went crawling with 20ish people from my class last night. Didn't go out and woke up around 9am, so I can't feel bad in that manner. However, I can feel that I drank last night. I just wonder how come I never drink Powerade anymore.. When I lived in New Zealand Powerade was the remedy of a hangover. Wierd that it took me 8(!) months to be reminded of this..

All of a sudden I wish someone could bring me a Powerade, Domino's garlic & cheese bread and a beer. The ultimate kiwi hangover remedy.

And oh. My apartment smells like sangria from the crawl. I have to clean.

Ciao belli!

It's just past midnight and I'm listening to classical music (Mozart). I'm kind of drunk. Okay, I'm drunk. A friend came over to plan a crawl wich takes place next week on Wednesday. We had dinner and a lot of wine, so basically we've been planning a bit and drinking a lot. She went home about twenty minutes ago, so here I am Sunday night drunk as a drunk and hungry. Yes, I get extremely hungry when I consume alcohol and I don't fear calories like most girls do. I just eat.

Either way. Drunk as I am I think about life. Why are we so withdrawn? Why are we so shy? Why are we so concerend? I mean... when we are drunk we lose that fear of making a fool of ourselves and let loose. By that I'm not saying that we should get drunk and puke down from our balcony every night, but that we should try to "behave" more drunk while sober. Let loose. Speak your mind. Smile toward cute guys. Be honest and straightforward. What do you have to loose?

Well, that's really the only thing I wanted to say. Learn how to be honest, straight forward and ope minded.

I'm going to bed now, I best not write more drunk as I am. However, as they say, "the drunk person speaks the truth" however how correct that is I don't know, probably not much correct at all. Sleep (and eat) now, perhaps watch a movie. I'll watch a movie.

Cheers.

I suppose most of you people have seen the KONY 2012 video by now? In case you haven't it's a 30 minute long video basically explaining that Joseph Kony is a man in Central Africa, leader of Lord's Resistance Army (LRA) who conducts children, makes them kill their family, uses the boys as child soldiers and the girls as sex slaves. Well, I'm not going to explain the whole background, if you don't know the story, watch the video, and I can assure you that it'll be the best spend 30 minutes of your week:




So back to the campaign, the organisation (or rather company actually) behind the video is called Invisible Children, which in the past few days since the video was released has recieved a lot of critique, but also support. The video was released three days ago from today, and has alreade had over 52 million views!

The critiques have mostly been about Invisible Children, but some is aimed toward the video itself as well. The main critique and argument is, as I get it, that Invisible Children don't use enough of the donations as it should to the actual promoted purpose, they do call themselves non-profits and should therefore live up to that. Invisible Children do have a reply to this, saying when the first numbers where stated about what they use their money for something went wrong and the percents showed up wrong, but that they today do fulfil their use of the money and that the critique regarding that is incorrect.

Yes, huge parts of it all is about money. There are also speculations about their co-operation with the local military, their condescending toward the locals whom are portrayed as the victims in the video and their legitimacy, are they trustworthy? Should we support them with our time and money?

As far as I concern, the sources of the primary critiques are unknown and unproven, so it makes me wonder whether these people just don't have anything else better to do a rainy day than trying to make people go against campaigns like this and make people in general suspicious toward anyone who claims to have good intentions. Yes, we all should be suspicious, more or less, and always ask ourselves what is the source of this information, why should I believe you and what are your arguments to prove you're right?

But on the other hand, in cases like this my biggest concern is how deeply cynical people actually are. This is not a video with numbers to a bank account asking for a donation, but a plea to the people to forward the video in order to spread the information. YES, they do inform the viewer that there are several ways to support the cause including buying items such as bracelets etc, or donating "a few dollars a month" which I believe is not a huge request, but most of all the ask you to sign the pledge and forward the video which is entirely for free, it doesn't cost you a dime, only a few extra minutes of your time, and people, time isn't literally money.

What they ask for is simply information to be spread, people to be educated and to be given a chance to have their own say about it. The International Criminal Court (ICC) issued on the 27th September 2005 a warrant of arrest for Joseph Kony, and without the KONY 2012 campaign people in general (with access to internet) wouldn't know this, they wouldn't know who he was nor what he have done. Even if Invisible Children used their donations for different causes than they claim to do, I still believed that they have accomplished something extraordinarily and exceptionally good; they have made people conscious.

Yes, most people just watch the video, get emotionally involved for 30 minutes, forward the video through posting it on Facebook, and then forget all about it. But you must not forget that out of all these millions of people, there are surely several who actually do engage and take action. There are those to get involved, take it to a higher ground and to a political level where action CAN be done, and for that we have Invisible Children to thank.

So to all of you who say that all of us who post this video on Facebook and ask our friends to watch it and pass it forward are "stupid and believe all we see and hear" I say find the reliable sources that prove Invisible Children and KONY 2012 being a scam, and I will remove the video from my Facebook. If you can find evidence that Kony does not exist and that these abductions never realy occurred, then I'll stop asking my friends to forward the video.

But until then I will continue to believe in this cause, not based on what Invisible Children do with their donations, but on the fact that people now KNOW what the heck is going on down there, that they are reacting and most of all that they are demanding their governments to do something about it. That is worth more than the exact plan behind it all, because if this can result in making even just one person's life better down there in Africa, we should be proud of ourselves, because one single person's life is worth 52 000 000 000 people's commitment. The more the better, but one is always a great achievement regardless of that one person's gender, color, sexual orientation or country of origin.

Wepages worthy of your time and interest:

International Criminal Court
KONY 2012
Invisible Children

I have noticed one thing with myself lately. I have always been the "tough" girl regarding emotions. With that I mean the one who never ever cries to a movie, who doesn't really believe in the so called "everlasting love" and most of all; displaying emotions in public is just something I wouldn't do. Ever. Nah, my friends were always thinking I was wierd for being like this. I remember one time when I watched a movie with Esme and some more friends back when we were living at WSA. It was Remember Me, the one with Robert Pattinson (the sparkling vampire guy with the gigantic forehead), and I actually almost shed a tear at the end. And I didn't even watch the whole movie, I just kind of jumped in halfway. Esme was surprised to see me like that, as it was as far away as it gets from me at that moment. I was always the one advising my friends how to get past their mentally challenged ex-boyfriends, asshole-behaving dates and false friends. I was always the one raising one eyebrow when other people cried to movies, as I just didn't see the point in crying to something fictional. Sure, I had my moments as well, but they occured very rarely and not in public.

But all of a sudden, I was watching the movie with that sparkling guy whom I don't even like as I'm not a psychotic vampire fan, and I was emotionally touched. I almost shed a tear, and you could tell by looking at me. My eyebrows had that "I'm sad-shape" and my eyes were watering. When I look back at that moment I wonder whether that was the moment when I officially went from being that sane, controlled and not very emotional person, to becoming a "woman". I mean if you ask me I think it's bullshit that females just have to be so sensitive, love babies and plan their marriage. That's just not me. I have been called stone, heart-less and robot from people, and not just random people but people who knows me, based on the fact that I don't talk about emotions in first hand, I never ever think about getting married and I most definatley do not believe in destiny, love at first sight or romance.

I'd like to think that nothing has changed, but unfortunatley that is not the case. I, too often nowadays, find myself crying to movies, books, hell even commercials sometimes when you see poor black Africans with flies in their eyes. This concerns me. Am I turning into one of those women who desperatley search for a Valentine's date, lay at home and eat ice cream while watching Bridget Jones' Diary NOT because ice cream in fact tastes amazing and it is a good movie, but because the sugar rush helps the feeling of loneliness and the movie reminds me that "at least someone's in a worse position than myself". The day that happens, shoot my brains out!

Somewhere along the way I went from being young and naïve believing love could indeed last forever (well I suppose I never sincerely believed in it but I was far from where I am today), to thinking the so called "love" is just something holding you back, and finally that perhaps it's something worth giving a try again after all? Obviously there's no point in giving it a try when moving around the way I have since graduating high school. But now that I live in Växjö I could actually go for it, give it a try. BUT, as it looks now I will be spending my fourth semester on Iceland, January-June 2013. Oops, do I believe in long-distance? NO. And I'll be going to India my sixth semester for at least a couple of weeks, could me much longer. Oops, yet again no long distance. Shot down!

So how to I solve this? How the hell do I manage becoming a much more emotional person (still a realist though, I'm not a fucking cry baby or dreamer) and entertwine this new part of me into my life as it is today? How will I manage to open up to anyone, let them in? God knows. I sometimes doubt that I'll ever manage. But I guess when I finally meet someone worth the trouble, he'll stick around long enough for me to feel comfortable with it and I'll get there sooner or later. And regarding the crying and all the estrogen that apparently flows within me I can only say that I'm not a stone after all. I do have a heart, and I'm not a robot who thinks tears are a sign of leakage (HIMYM reference) and who literally runs as far away as possible whenever a guy mention his emotions or meeting his parents.

Regardless how I will end up and how this story ends, I still think it's ridiculous that men are supposed to be strong and withheld and women touchy feely. I'm a woman either way. All I hope for is that I don't end up like one of those lonely pathetic women, and that these years of "being a stone" don't even up in time and result in a few years of being overly emotional. But as I said before, the day that happens just shoot me, because that just wouldn't be me.

Over and out

FUCK my life is boring!

Having that said I suppose an explanation is needed? My life is all about studies, studies and studies. Sometimes I wish I could drop out, pack a bag, sell all of my stuff and buy a random ticket and just see where I'd end up. What really sucks is not even having anything interesting to write about. No cool international friends living in the same building, major cultural experiences nor great memories for life. However, I am educating myself which I suppose isn't too bad.

I'm just looking forward to my upcoming USA trip this summer. I also want to climb a mountain this year, actually it's something I want to do every year from now on. Sitting on that peak is a high, an injection of adrenaline and a total sense of purpose. I need that soon, as my life at the moment is lacking those adrenaline rushes.

Hopefully an adventure is closing up. Soon I'll know about my exchange semester. Iceland, Italy, Ireland or England, time will tell!

Today is my fourth day of working out. I did a 45 minute long cardio crosstraining session, which felt soooo good, and I worked my lats, back and biceps really hard which is great, I've missed the feeling of aching muscles after a good workout.

As for now I'm listening to Tracy Chapman, drinking tea, and reading course literature. I just finished a bowl of cottage cheese with natural nuts, and as a study snack I'm nibbling on dark chocolate with raspberry. I start working in 2,5 hours, so until then I'll relax and read.

Oh, by the way. When I left home for the gym earlier today a guy literally sprinted to hold up a door for me, how cute! What surprised me though is that he seemed to be Swedish, and holding up doors isn't really part of our culture at all, so it made me really glad that he did.

Buuuut, study now, then work. Ciao!

Before I went to the gym earlier today..

I am still loving life just as much now as 45 minutes ago, but I just need to cleanse my head around one thing. Moving away.

By the end of this month I will know whether I'll be going abroad for one semester, and if so where I'll be going. I am so nervous, it's crazy really. I want to scream, run through the forest and beg to God that the Iceland spot is mine. But I'm just not sure. For some reason I've got a bad feeling about this. My guts tell me that Iceland is not mine for the taking, and I'll end up someplace cool, but without the absolutely great courses that are available only as far as I know) at the University of Iceland.

Well, this doesn't only regard that part. It's also that I'm scared of losing my friends. Many of my best friends from before I moved away the first time just don't seem that close anymore. Actually it hurts to say that I don't feel connected at all to most of them. At the same time, the bond to some of my friends has become much stronger, and of course not to forget about all the amazing people one gets to know when away.

I just want to be told that I am going to Reykjavik, Iceland. That would make my dreams come true. And I want to come back still having good friends here, whom I don't forget about and doesn't forget about me in return. Yes, it's so hard keeping it up from both sides, it just makes me sad. I value friendships so high, but some days I just question whether other people do that as well?

However what makes me happy is when I get back only to be met by a bunch of people who are just happy to see you. I love you so much, and I will never leave you.

No, for now I have to cross my fingers for getting my spot. I'm not sure of what I'll do if I don't get it. Will I still go to Italy, Ireland, England? Who knows? All I need to do is hang in there and wait. That's the worst part, waiting.

Life is still frigging amazing, though.

Konbanwa!

It is Monday night (22.41pm) and I have just been cleaning and re-organizing my kitchen. Feels good!

So today I've reminded myself that life is so beautiful. Well, not that I needed to be reminded of that, but I came to think about that life is precious and should be appreciated. Cherish every moment, they say. Even though love hurts sometimes, life kick you in the head and friends stab you in your back, the good moments always seem to weigh it up.

Sure, we have our pride and honor to defend, but what do they really mean in the end if you live your life without really living it out, taking risks. If you like someone, tell her or him. Really, what is the worst thing that could happen? You could get rejected, and you know what? That is far better than never knowing what could've happened.

So for today I wish for everyone to stop for a second and think about how lucky you are, for whatever you have been blessed with. Health, love, brains, friends, children, good parents, whatever talent you may possess.

Cliché as it may be, today starting this afternoon, I loves life a little extra than usual.

Lot's of love.