hm.
I can't sleep, and it might be due to way much thinking.
I'm just going through a lot of emotions right now that doesn't make life much easier. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, and making up my mind about everything is impossible. One minute I'm going over my flight reservations and planning my homecoming, and the next I just want to hide under my bed in order to avoid facing the fact that I have to leave.
It doesn't make it easier that Chris keeps making jokes about that I will cry when we say good bye. I always tell him I won't, even though I know that I most likely will. I'm not good with saying good byes, and there's no denial that I prefer sneeking off, not making that much of a deal out of it.
But I can't leave without making a deal out of it. I almost panic every time I randomly get reminded of anything that has to do with leaving. I start questioning life. I start questioning myself. I do not doubt myself, but I'm scared as hell. I know I've changed a lot here, and the people I know will have changed as well. Will we still get along? Will we still be good friends?
Thinking about leaving makes me nearly depressed, anxious, and really terrified. Of course I'm looking forward to see everyone, but let's be honest; it doesn't mean that I want to move back. As I was taking a long walk the other day, I got so emotional as I was enjoying the Domain. It struck me that soon I won't be able to go there again, and I just had a big breakdown right there.
I can't remember crying about leaving Sweden. I might have done so, but I have no recollection of doing it. I do remember being a bit sad at Changi airport in Singapore, as I was reading a letter from my Mom and at the same time realizing what I had thrown myself into. So why does it have to be such a big deal this time? Why all this anxiety and restlessness?
The last weeks, time has slowed down. A week doesn't feel like a day anymore. I'm starting to think of things I've never done here. I have turned down every single date I've been asked out on, because I've been terrified of commitment considering my limited period of time. I have never been to Waiheke Island. I have never had picnic on Mount Eden at sunset. I have never been to One Tree Hill, nor the Auckland museum. I haven't even been to a winetasting. And now I'm running out of time. In one way, I feel like I've been given a horrible diagnosis, knowing the exact date and all I can do is to wait. That makes me feel like crap, because as I said before I really am looking forward to go back but I don't want to move...
I don't know. I barely even know what I want. I've started having nightmares that has to do with travelling, flying, moving. Maybe I just need a wee more time to process it all? How the hell am I going to accept the fact that I'm leaving a country that I am so much in love with?
I'm just going through a lot of emotions right now that doesn't make life much easier. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, and making up my mind about everything is impossible. One minute I'm going over my flight reservations and planning my homecoming, and the next I just want to hide under my bed in order to avoid facing the fact that I have to leave.
It doesn't make it easier that Chris keeps making jokes about that I will cry when we say good bye. I always tell him I won't, even though I know that I most likely will. I'm not good with saying good byes, and there's no denial that I prefer sneeking off, not making that much of a deal out of it.
But I can't leave without making a deal out of it. I almost panic every time I randomly get reminded of anything that has to do with leaving. I start questioning life. I start questioning myself. I do not doubt myself, but I'm scared as hell. I know I've changed a lot here, and the people I know will have changed as well. Will we still get along? Will we still be good friends?
Thinking about leaving makes me nearly depressed, anxious, and really terrified. Of course I'm looking forward to see everyone, but let's be honest; it doesn't mean that I want to move back. As I was taking a long walk the other day, I got so emotional as I was enjoying the Domain. It struck me that soon I won't be able to go there again, and I just had a big breakdown right there.
I can't remember crying about leaving Sweden. I might have done so, but I have no recollection of doing it. I do remember being a bit sad at Changi airport in Singapore, as I was reading a letter from my Mom and at the same time realizing what I had thrown myself into. So why does it have to be such a big deal this time? Why all this anxiety and restlessness?
The last weeks, time has slowed down. A week doesn't feel like a day anymore. I'm starting to think of things I've never done here. I have turned down every single date I've been asked out on, because I've been terrified of commitment considering my limited period of time. I have never been to Waiheke Island. I have never had picnic on Mount Eden at sunset. I have never been to One Tree Hill, nor the Auckland museum. I haven't even been to a winetasting. And now I'm running out of time. In one way, I feel like I've been given a horrible diagnosis, knowing the exact date and all I can do is to wait. That makes me feel like crap, because as I said before I really am looking forward to go back but I don't want to move...
I don't know. I barely even know what I want. I've started having nightmares that has to do with travelling, flying, moving. Maybe I just need a wee more time to process it all? How the hell am I going to accept the fact that I'm leaving a country that I am so much in love with?
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