Emotional crazy old lady
I have noticed one thing with myself lately. I have always been the "tough" girl regarding emotions. With that I mean the one who never ever cries to a movie, who doesn't really believe in the so called "everlasting love" and most of all; displaying emotions in public is just something I wouldn't do. Ever. Nah, my friends were always thinking I was wierd for being like this. I remember one time when I watched a movie with Esme and some more friends back when we were living at WSA. It was Remember Me, the one with Robert Pattinson (the sparkling vampire guy with the gigantic forehead), and I actually almost shed a tear at the end. And I didn't even watch the whole movie, I just kind of jumped in halfway. Esme was surprised to see me like that, as it was as far away as it gets from me at that moment. I was always the one advising my friends how to get past their mentally challenged ex-boyfriends, asshole-behaving dates and false friends. I was always the one raising one eyebrow when other people cried to movies, as I just didn't see the point in crying to something fictional. Sure, I had my moments as well, but they occured very rarely and not in public.
But all of a sudden, I was watching the movie with that sparkling guy whom I don't even like as I'm not a psychotic vampire fan, and I was emotionally touched. I almost shed a tear, and you could tell by looking at me. My eyebrows had that "I'm sad-shape" and my eyes were watering. When I look back at that moment I wonder whether that was the moment when I officially went from being that sane, controlled and not very emotional person, to becoming a "woman". I mean if you ask me I think it's bullshit that females just have to be so sensitive, love babies and plan their marriage. That's just not me. I have been called stone, heart-less and robot from people, and not just random people but people who knows me, based on the fact that I don't talk about emotions in first hand, I never ever think about getting married and I most definatley do not believe in destiny, love at first sight or romance.
I'd like to think that nothing has changed, but unfortunatley that is not the case. I, too often nowadays, find myself crying to movies, books, hell even commercials sometimes when you see poor black Africans with flies in their eyes. This concerns me. Am I turning into one of those women who desperatley search for a Valentine's date, lay at home and eat ice cream while watching Bridget Jones' Diary NOT because ice cream in fact tastes amazing and it is a good movie, but because the sugar rush helps the feeling of loneliness and the movie reminds me that "at least someone's in a worse position than myself". The day that happens, shoot my brains out!
Somewhere along the way I went from being young and naïve believing love could indeed last forever (well I suppose I never sincerely believed in it but I was far from where I am today), to thinking the so called "love" is just something holding you back, and finally that perhaps it's something worth giving a try again after all? Obviously there's no point in giving it a try when moving around the way I have since graduating high school. But now that I live in Växjö I could actually go for it, give it a try. BUT, as it looks now I will be spending my fourth semester on Iceland, January-June 2013. Oops, do I believe in long-distance? NO. And I'll be going to India my sixth semester for at least a couple of weeks, could me much longer. Oops, yet again no long distance. Shot down!
So how to I solve this? How the hell do I manage becoming a much more emotional person (still a realist though, I'm not a fucking cry baby or dreamer) and entertwine this new part of me into my life as it is today? How will I manage to open up to anyone, let them in? God knows. I sometimes doubt that I'll ever manage. But I guess when I finally meet someone worth the trouble, he'll stick around long enough for me to feel comfortable with it and I'll get there sooner or later. And regarding the crying and all the estrogen that apparently flows within me I can only say that I'm not a stone after all. I do have a heart, and I'm not a robot who thinks tears are a sign of leakage (HIMYM reference) and who literally runs as far away as possible whenever a guy mention his emotions or meeting his parents.
Regardless how I will end up and how this story ends, I still think it's ridiculous that men are supposed to be strong and withheld and women touchy feely. I'm a woman either way. All I hope for is that I don't end up like one of those lonely pathetic women, and that these years of "being a stone" don't even up in time and result in a few years of being overly emotional. But as I said before, the day that happens just shoot me, because that just wouldn't be me.
Over and out
But all of a sudden, I was watching the movie with that sparkling guy whom I don't even like as I'm not a psychotic vampire fan, and I was emotionally touched. I almost shed a tear, and you could tell by looking at me. My eyebrows had that "I'm sad-shape" and my eyes were watering. When I look back at that moment I wonder whether that was the moment when I officially went from being that sane, controlled and not very emotional person, to becoming a "woman". I mean if you ask me I think it's bullshit that females just have to be so sensitive, love babies and plan their marriage. That's just not me. I have been called stone, heart-less and robot from people, and not just random people but people who knows me, based on the fact that I don't talk about emotions in first hand, I never ever think about getting married and I most definatley do not believe in destiny, love at first sight or romance.
I'd like to think that nothing has changed, but unfortunatley that is not the case. I, too often nowadays, find myself crying to movies, books, hell even commercials sometimes when you see poor black Africans with flies in their eyes. This concerns me. Am I turning into one of those women who desperatley search for a Valentine's date, lay at home and eat ice cream while watching Bridget Jones' Diary NOT because ice cream in fact tastes amazing and it is a good movie, but because the sugar rush helps the feeling of loneliness and the movie reminds me that "at least someone's in a worse position than myself". The day that happens, shoot my brains out!
Somewhere along the way I went from being young and naïve believing love could indeed last forever (well I suppose I never sincerely believed in it but I was far from where I am today), to thinking the so called "love" is just something holding you back, and finally that perhaps it's something worth giving a try again after all? Obviously there's no point in giving it a try when moving around the way I have since graduating high school. But now that I live in Växjö I could actually go for it, give it a try. BUT, as it looks now I will be spending my fourth semester on Iceland, January-June 2013. Oops, do I believe in long-distance? NO. And I'll be going to India my sixth semester for at least a couple of weeks, could me much longer. Oops, yet again no long distance. Shot down!
So how to I solve this? How the hell do I manage becoming a much more emotional person (still a realist though, I'm not a fucking cry baby or dreamer) and entertwine this new part of me into my life as it is today? How will I manage to open up to anyone, let them in? God knows. I sometimes doubt that I'll ever manage. But I guess when I finally meet someone worth the trouble, he'll stick around long enough for me to feel comfortable with it and I'll get there sooner or later. And regarding the crying and all the estrogen that apparently flows within me I can only say that I'm not a stone after all. I do have a heart, and I'm not a robot who thinks tears are a sign of leakage (HIMYM reference) and who literally runs as far away as possible whenever a guy mention his emotions or meeting his parents.
Regardless how I will end up and how this story ends, I still think it's ridiculous that men are supposed to be strong and withheld and women touchy feely. I'm a woman either way. All I hope for is that I don't end up like one of those lonely pathetic women, and that these years of "being a stone" don't even up in time and result in a few years of being overly emotional. But as I said before, the day that happens just shoot me, because that just wouldn't be me.
Over and out
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