06.20 am
I'm too awake to sleep, but I'm too tired to study.
I studied for 10 hours straight yesterday, so HOW THE HELL CAN I BE UNABLE TO SLEEP 6 IN THE MORNING?
But you know what?
I'm no good watching Grey's Anatomy all morning. I might as well go to Starbucks and get myself some coffee, and get started again. My exam is not going to ace itself.
I love and miss you!
Looking through pics. I miss you
Optimus
I do wish I would've done better, but you know what? 18/20 is good as well!
Rain
- cloudy
- windy
- rainy
It's past 1pm, so I'm going to have a shower, eat something then start studying.
Sweet as!
hm.
I'm just going through a lot of emotions right now that doesn't make life much easier. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, and making up my mind about everything is impossible. One minute I'm going over my flight reservations and planning my homecoming, and the next I just want to hide under my bed in order to avoid facing the fact that I have to leave.
It doesn't make it easier that Chris keeps making jokes about that I will cry when we say good bye. I always tell him I won't, even though I know that I most likely will. I'm not good with saying good byes, and there's no denial that I prefer sneeking off, not making that much of a deal out of it.
But I can't leave without making a deal out of it. I almost panic every time I randomly get reminded of anything that has to do with leaving. I start questioning life. I start questioning myself. I do not doubt myself, but I'm scared as hell. I know I've changed a lot here, and the people I know will have changed as well. Will we still get along? Will we still be good friends?
Thinking about leaving makes me nearly depressed, anxious, and really terrified. Of course I'm looking forward to see everyone, but let's be honest; it doesn't mean that I want to move back. As I was taking a long walk the other day, I got so emotional as I was enjoying the Domain. It struck me that soon I won't be able to go there again, and I just had a big breakdown right there.
I can't remember crying about leaving Sweden. I might have done so, but I have no recollection of doing it. I do remember being a bit sad at Changi airport in Singapore, as I was reading a letter from my Mom and at the same time realizing what I had thrown myself into. So why does it have to be such a big deal this time? Why all this anxiety and restlessness?
The last weeks, time has slowed down. A week doesn't feel like a day anymore. I'm starting to think of things I've never done here. I have turned down every single date I've been asked out on, because I've been terrified of commitment considering my limited period of time. I have never been to Waiheke Island. I have never had picnic on Mount Eden at sunset. I have never been to One Tree Hill, nor the Auckland museum. I haven't even been to a winetasting. And now I'm running out of time. In one way, I feel like I've been given a horrible diagnosis, knowing the exact date and all I can do is to wait. That makes me feel like crap, because as I said before I really am looking forward to go back but I don't want to move...
I don't know. I barely even know what I want. I've started having nightmares that has to do with travelling, flying, moving. Maybe I just need a wee more time to process it all? How the hell am I going to accept the fact that I'm leaving a country that I am so much in love with?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now
When I study I just kind of disappear into my own world. I talk to myself and I make wierd gestures that most people take for insanity. The gesture thing is a big part of my learning, that I learned from a good kiwi friend of mine.
I structure the information (on paper) in a way that suits me, whether it is in a special order, arrows, colours, you name it, and then I look up from the paper and make a mental image of the information. After repeatig it a few time, I can picture the information the exact same way as it is on the paper right in front of me. I guess that's what most people do when they learn geography, for an example.
It really is helpful. Obviously, one needs to understand the meaning of the information to succesfully learn it and be abe to recollect it later on when needed, but even if you do it doesn't mean that you will be able to keep track on which order it comes on, or even remember it at all.
What I do is that I start off by creating a mental image with bulletpoints. Once I have a good clue of that, I start adding more and more information, but it is important to break t up in pieces.
Ex. the peripheral nervous system.
- The peripheral nervous system (PNS) consists of the somatic and autonomic nervous system (SNS & ANS, abbrevations are also good ways regarding learning and processing information into your long term memory). The somatic nervous system is divided into afferent and efferent, and the autonomic is divided into sympathetic and parasympathetic.
That's step one, the basic information to know how it is "built up".
Next step is to add the different functions of afferent, efferent, sympathetic, and parasympathetic and understand the connection.
Remember: when you already know the basic structure, it becomes much more easier to relate the different facts to ehere they belong.
Well, that's the tip of the day. Don't have any more energy for this. I'm off to bed to watch I am number 4, and tomorrow I'm going running with Eirik 8 am, then I'm waking up Chris at 10. I think I might made him breakfast before I do so, as I love eating proper breakfasts (which I haven't done in ages) just as much as I love making breakfast for other people. I actually do!
So off to bed now. Good night, world!
How great is this song? Soooooo good!
no
stupid kids
First year kid in his first semester (guessing 17 years old, even though he acts like he's 14) puking into a plastic bag being held by two of his friends after drinking vodka straight out the bottle without eating a proper meal during the whole day.
I suppose that's reason enough to leave for the night. I simply can't study with these drunken kids a few metres from me, whom this very moment is trying to touch his own vomit?
Gross. Grow up.
I-lands problem
Pressing the wrong buttons on the keyboard due to shifting between Swedish and NZ computers.
Oh, life's so hard.
psyche + logos = long nights
So I've been productive. Well, that's not news considering I've been stdying like a maniac basically this whole semester. But particularily for this exam. I have now less than five days and I'm on fire. I have written down a summary divided in 8 pieces that covers the whole exam, every single thing I need to know. Tomorrow I'll be wandering off to the library to print it out and make a booklet out of it and, by the end of the week I will know, and have full understanding of, everything in it. Oh, there is no feeling better than the satisfaction from getting great grades from studying hard.
I really love being a student. Being here, and especially this semester, I've appreciated being a student so much more and I have enhanced evrything from study methods to results, so I'm really pleased. However, as I only have this one exam left and then be done, nothing but the best is good enough. It is now past midnight and I'm not really tired. I've done a lot already, but I think that I will go down to the lobby soon again to go through everyting and make sure that I haven't missed out on any facts that I need to know.
I love being in Uni. Even though it is a big change going from a couple hours studying a week to a couple hours studying a day, I still enjoy it. I can't wait to start University in Sweden and continue the adventurous studentlife.
And speaking of adventures, I have found something that I want to do. I want toclimt Kebnekaise! I thought since Mt Doom actually is higher and I managed to survive that, why not do Kebnekaise, that actuallyis the only proper mountain in Sweden? I have put the time limit on three years, so before 2014. Exciting!
Elsewise I'm going through some things for my flights. Still need to fix a photo for my ISIC card, fix my ESTA and some more things.. At least I have some time to gt it done, and I won't put any effort into it until my exam is DONE and nailed. First thing I'll be doing is to invade Waiheke Island (yes, it's actually happening!) sometime next week after Tuesday. We're doing a budget trip consisting biking the whole island and visiting every vineyard with free winetasting. Ferry is approx $30 and bikes should be about the same. Oh yeah! Even better is that I'll be going with Sarah, Alex and Tomo, whom I've never travelled (well, if this counts as travelling, that is) with before. Hooray!
Well, the big countdown is on and in less than FIVE DAYS I will have a life again outside of my books which I'm sincerely looking forward to. Really excited, actually.
Study now. A+ here I come.
Ciao!
And oh, here's one of the best songs by Metallica. Enjoy!
Linnaeus University
Mt Eden
07.24
I looked out my window about 30 minutes ago. Part of my view is currently parts and pieces of a construction site, and I was sure that one of the machines was moving. As I sat up in my bed, staring at the machine and waiting for it to move again, I concluded that I was only hallucinating, which I tend to do a lot when I haven't slept enough. Well, my hallucinations usually are sounds and noises, but I see things sometimes as well. Funny thing is that when I looked over thre five minutes later it actually had moved. Or had it? I'm pretty sure it did!
And oh.... Just five secnds ago I had to stop and go back to see if I spelled the words "things" correctly. Do you really put the n in front of the g? I believe that would be a fine demonstration for how tired I am. The fact that I want to stay up doesn't make it any better. Make a huge breakfast and getting things done doesn't really matter if the brain isn't working, right?
Besides, I need my sleep in order to nail my psych exam, which I will do! I know I will. It's hard, but I can do this.
Five days to go.
Today I will finish all the summaries of everything that will be in the exam. Summaries, all the chapters in the book, all the readings, all the experiments, etc. That is the goal for today.
I will never accept being told what I can and cannot do.
3:17
1:17 am
This is war
Their songs and music videos gives me chills along my spine - that's how good they are!
Cosy
So I dimmed the light in the livingroom and lit up some candles, and I'm listening to Tracy Chapman as I'm trying to collect enugh energy to study. I mean, I am studying but I won't be able to go on for too long if I won't "wake up" soon. I'm drinking Charlie's Honest Quencher Old Fashion Feijoa Lemonade, which just might be the best juice I'v ever had. Feijoa is an amazing combination of sweet and sour fruit which I've never even heard about before I came to NZ. I'm also snacking Doritos Supreme Cheese. So good! Really do need something to keep the body working, and if I decide to stay up and pull an all nighter I'll go and get some Red Bull. Coffee wouldn't do the trick by now anyway.
But now back to biology and Tracy.
This song is so beautiful, don't you think?
Non é facile pero e tutto qui
Gammalt inlägg från 7 oktober 2009
This is an old post from my previous blog from ctober 7th 2009. 1,5 years before I knew I would come to New Zealand. I find it rather amusing to read now afterwards.
Det är sjukt så mycket jag har skrivit idag i bloggen.. Men så blir det när man sitter vid datorn, måste skriva ner allt som pågår i hjärnan, inte så mycket men alltid något!
Nu börjar mitt humör gå nedåt, dels för att jag inte fått något socker i mig under dagen (rehab är ett alternativ) och dels för att jag bara är allmänt... jag vet inte, besviken? Arg? Något är det ia alla fall och det är inte bra.
Och när man på det läser om människor i min ålder som redan jobbar heltid, köper lägenheter (nej, inte bara hyr utan köper) och blir eknomiskt oberoende med sina egna företag.
Och här sitter jag.
Utan jobb.
Utan pengar.
Utan någon affärsidé.
Utan något alls tycks det som.
Ja, sån här blir jag alltså, inte bra alls.
Inte bra.......
Så nu ska jag gå och lägga mig i min säng, läsa i min läskiga bok och glömma mina bekymmer, kommer ju ändå en hel drös imorgon så varför bry mig om dem nu?
Det enda jag borde bekymra mig om är vem fan jag ska åka på semester med... Fattar inte, kan verkligen ingen? Gud så tråkigt detta är, fattar inte hur alla står ut med att bara leva samma jävla liv dag ut och dag in, gör något!!!!!
Men Malin i klassen va sugen hon med, kanske kanske till jul?
Saken är den att åker jag med henne över jul är det mycket möjligt att det blir två veckor i Thailand istället för en helg i London, WAH! Hur kul vore inte det liksom?
Det gäller bara att hitta de billiga resorna och jag tror att det är fixat. Så det är bara att hålla tummarna. Om det inte blir av så är det ju inte så mycket att sörja egentligen heller, men det bästa är att om två veckor har jag mitt på det torra, sen ska jag bara hitta någon... Någon någon någon som också har det och som bara vill boka en sista minuten och sticka.
Någon?
Jaja, visst alla vill resa men ingen kan. Ingen vill resa trots att alla kan. Haha så jävla skadat.
Om inget annat så kommer jag änå jobba/studera/bo utomlands någon gång i framtiden och då är det "bye bye shithole" på Sverige! Wii!
Så nu ska jag alltså gå och läsa.
Om jag helt plötsligt inte längre är i Sverige så bli inte förvånade!
F**k
7.
I've spent the last couple of hours cleaning my room. Tomorrow the inspections will start and go on until the 10th, and don't even ask me why, oh why, they want us to clean our whole apartment during exam week. It's evil, and we seriously do not have time for this. I think it's bullshit, but I suppose I might as well get it done. After finishing my cleaning, I'll go down to the lobby and study for as long as I can. Goal is to finish off two of the eight parts in the exam. It'll take some time, but I want to get it done asap.
I'm still tired and out of energy, and even though I don't feel as bad as I did a couple days ago, I still feel sick. All the long nights and early mornings just doesn't work. And mom, no need to worry about my eating habits. It's just for now as I have no time nor energy to cook proper meals. The other day I made so much soup, and I'll make some more tomorrow or so, so that I can live out of that the coming week.
I've been listening to Italian music all day (Eros Ramazzotti, Zucchero, Andrea Bocelli) which really makes me feel physically better. Some of the songs I already know from when I studied Italian in 2007 and 2008, so I just sing along and reinforce my Italian. It's a great language. Easy to learn, easy to speak.
So my nervousness has been increasing for every day now. I'm partly excited, partly anxious. It's so annyoing to know that it'sclsng up, yet it feels like it's much more than just a couple of weeks until I leave.
Oh well. I'll deal with that later.
